Coffee and cigarette, turd

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Val.: «Café i cigarro, cagarro»

Este refrany nos recorda les propietats laxants del café i del tabac.

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This saying reminds us about the laxative properties of coffee and tobacco.

One, two three, belly, arse and anus

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Val. «Un, dos, tres, panxa cul i ses»

This is just a funny rhyme to count to three.

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Esta és una rima vulgar i popular per a comptar fins a tres.

That is as true as if you ate pears and you shit them in one piece

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Val. «És de veres com si menjares peres i les cagares senceres»

Quan algú fa cara que no s’acaba de creure un comentari que un altre ha fet o una història que algú ha contat, se sol tractar de convéncer-lo de que es tracta d’un fet cert amb esta contestació rimada.

Exemple dialogat:

—Saps què? La Xaro s'ha posat mamelles.

—Què dius! Jo la viu l’altre dia i estava com sempre, com una post de planxar. No pot ser de veres...

—És de veres, com si menjares peres i les cagares senceres.

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When somebody is sceptic about what other has just said and makes a comment or gestures showing his mistrust, it is common to remark that the previous affirmation is true by making this reply which makes a funny rhyme in Valencian.

If she is ugly but she wags it, good one! If she is fat but she does it well, great as well! If she is pretty but wants love, that's worse!

Tweet Val. Si és lletja però la meneja, bona! Si està grossa però ho fa bé, també! Si està bona i vol amor, pitjor!

"That's a fair lesson, Sir "(Tota una lliçó, sí senyor)

All prostitutes have fortune and I'm a bitch and a half and I don't have anything

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Val.: «Totes les putes tenen fortuna i jo puta i mitja i no en tinc ninguna»

It's a wailing refrain related with the fate of some women.

Tweet If you're cold, wrap you up in a fart

Val. «Si tens fred, embolica't en un pet»

This is one of the many comical (often dirty) rhymes that Valencians use just for fun, as a joke. The substance of these expressions is on the rhyme and on their insolence. Here you have another one:

If you're thirsty, take a piss and drink straight from the bottle

Val. «Si tens set, pixa i beu al gallet»

In summertime the fig looks for the dick

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Val. «En estiu, la figa busca el piu»

This refrain emphasizes the fact of female sexual effervescence during the summer season.

The normal way is the fig to the bird

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Val. «Lo normal és la figa pa'l pardal».

La rima prové de la creença que lo natural és que als hòmens els agraden les dones i viceversa.

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It means that everytime there's a natural way of doing things.

In here there is implied a clear sexual connotation as figa (fig) is a colloquial word for 'vagina' and pardal (bird) is its homonymous for 'dick'. Basically it comes from the belief that the natural thing is that men like women and vice versa.

*Lo (standard: Allò / El)
**pa'l (standard: per al)

Tweet If you don't fuck in Falles*, don't miss it in Easter

Val. «Si en falles no folles, en pasqua no falles»

Valencian celebrations are good opportunities to get off with somebody. Everybody seems to know everybody, people are happy (often drunk) and the towns are crowded. A good Valencian friend will always remind you about it.

Falles: Valencian celebration of the feast of St Joseph

Tweet Ey, brunette, do you fancy an idle bird?

Val. «Ei morena, vols un pardal sense faena?»
It is a distasteful comment used when a Valencian is captivated by the sight of a charming woman walking by the street and deems convenient to offer her his private parts...

Alternative:

Ey, blondie, do you fancy a wingless bird?Val. «Ei rubiales*, vols un pardal sens(e) ales?»* standard: rosseta